Burger The Bachelor: Meet The Semifinalists

Well, I have to admit that even I was surprised when over 100 cutie pie lady pooches flooded my inbox within a few hours of asking for entries to my little online version of The Bachelor last week.

And it was no easy task to sift through all of them and tearfully eliminate over 75% of my potential online sweethearts to come up with the remaining semifinalists. Seriously, life is hard when you’re me.

I thank everyone for their entries and want you all to know that I carefully considered each and every submission (my parents read all the info aloud to me and carefully recorded which pups caught my ear/eye the most). But seriously, I wish I could date you all. Or at least smooch you all, Rock Of Love style…

But enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to the lovely ladies who stole my heart and have me itching to give them a bone (roses are so cliché):

1. First we have Penny Pinscher, a self described  “svelte little eleven pound piece of German tail.” She thinks I’m a sweet and beyond-handsome chihuahua that makes her heart sing Viva Mexico (in honor of my roots). Well played Penny. You had me at German tail.

2. Then we have Lucy. She’s a confident purebred who brags: “no questionable relatives here my dear” and who hates the rain (me too!). She even likes to chew on furniture (only antiques of course) which cracks me up. I love a feisty little girl dog with a sense of humor and long Farrah Fawcett hair. Me-ow. Or should I say grrr?

3. Next up is Babs. She makes me smile. Here’s an excerpt of her hee-larious letter: “You’re the most handsome gentlemandog I’ve ever seen… sigh… pant, paint. I’m cool with just laying around all day with you and eating (paws crossed). And my mom picked this photo so forgive me if the angle makes my thighs look huge… ugh!” Um, does she know she’s in a bag shaped like a bus that covers her lower body? Too funny.

4. Meet Milano the pretty papillon. She’s named after the cookie and I’m named after another edible delight so I think we’re a pretty good match. She also mentioned that she loves my blog and makes her mom check it every day (flattery will get you everywhere with me). She’s only a year and a half old but says that she likes older more mature dogs like me. I am pretty mature if I do say so myself.

5. Here’s Bailey. She’s super excited about this contest (she’s just 6 months old and has energy to spare). She was rescued from a shelter after she had been thrown out to freeze on the cold streets but luckily found a great family who give her lots of play time and love… so now she wants to send that love in my general direction. I accept.

6. Next we have Bella, who really stepped things up in the game department. She actually made me a card! With glitter! Check it out. I’m blushing. She’s a slender 6 pounds and is 6.5″ tall and 12″ long. Gotta love that hot-dog-esque dachshund physique (she might just be the hot dog to my hamburger). She says that although it’s hard to compete with so many other beautiful girls she hopes to be my snuggle buddy and even dreams of entering So You Think You Can Dance with me. Watch out Bruno, here we come.

7. Then there’s Lola, who says she “doesn’t usually come on so strong but just couldn’t resist those big eyes & short coat.” She doesn’t mind PDA (yessss) and even said I could run my paws through her hair anytime (double yessssss). Where do I sign?

8. Now we have a European beauty. Meet Gela, a beautiful mutt from Italy who is forced to share the house with two male cats. They are old and grumpy but she loves chasing them. She had a couple of boyfriends back in Italy (both big and small) but she assures me that now she only has eyes for me. And she ended her letter with “ciao mi amore” which sounds pretty darn romantic (my guess is that it translates to: eat my armoire).

9. Meet Ries, a 2 1/2 year old terrier-dachshund mix. Here’s her story: “My mom rescued me (my old owners were not very nice) and I’m still a little bit shy because of that, but I promise to be your little princess.” She currently holds a job as well, so she won’t be a freeloader (always a plus) – she’s responsible for “cleaning the dishes” each and every night. Now the question is whether she’ll share her duties with me…

10. Next we have Holiday, a petite cutie weighing in at 4 1/2 pounds. She was actually voted “Most Popular Pooch” in Orange County California and is an internationally famous print model (that’s the cover of a calendar that she recently graced). She also lives at the beach and says I can come stay with her anytime. Score!

11. Then there’s Stella, a fawn boxer who will be a year old next month. Everywhere she goes people tell her how pretty she is (good thing I’m not the jealous type). She’s a homebody who loves spending time with her parents and she likes to go on long walks and napping in a cozy spot. She actually looks a lot like my mom’s first pooch (who I never had the honor of meeting, but have heard many good things about) so there’s a soft spot in my heart for this younger yet bigger pup.

12. Here’s Birdie. She’s three years old and describes herself as: 50% black lab, 50% pit bull and 100% loveable. She’s 50 pounds but I’m pretty confident that I can handle her. And even though I’m a lot smaller than she is, she mentioned that she’d love to spoon me after a dinner of baby carrots and chunky peanut butter. If that’s not heaven I don’t know what is.

13. And we can’t forget Dolly. She wrote: “I’ve admired you from afar, but now I feel it’s time to make my move! I have a very feminine figure and weigh in at a slim and seductive five pounds. Now I have to tell you this before we go any further. I do have children… however I have no idea where they are (they were given away at the pound before my parent’s adopted me) so you won’t have to preform any fatherly duties. Whew, glad I got that off my huge and voluptuous chest!” Uh. Yes please.

14. Then there’s Juno. She’s a few years older than me but says that dating a cougar like her (ok, she’s really an Italian Greyhound) will give me instant social status. Good point. She also doesn’t like hunting bugs at all but would be happy to guard the perimeter of the yard while I do (this is a plus, it means I don’t have to share). She also makes a good point about how we’ll look together: “you need a pretty pooch like me to set off your handsome good looks- my elegant long lines will draw everyone’s eyes right to your efficient compact manliness.” This is true.

15. Meet Nico. She’s a two year old chihuahua who’s famous just like me, thanks to her mom’s amazing blog. And she’s an exotic little thing- since her mom is from Peru, Nico is bilingual, which is definitively a plus these days. She also mentions that she has never had a boyfriend before but thinks I could be the one. Yup, she’s the innocent one in the group. And I do love a girl I can take home to momma.

16. Next we have Daisy, who is of questionable breed. Her mom told her I started a blog of my own and she immediately went out and dug a hole to celebrate! Actually, she digs holes for no reason, it’s kinda her “thing.” Just like chasing bugs is mine. And she’s great at pulling clothing off so she would be able to strip me down if my parents put me in some ridiculous holiday sweater again. Niiiiice.

17. Next we have Snoopy the cute little beagle girl full of spunk, sass, and humor. She only gets loud when there’s a vacuum present so she’s hoping I’m the big strong man to protect her from that monster (little does she know I cower even when my mom whips out the Kurv). But she ended her letter on a strong note: “why settle for all those nickles when you can have a DIME! Pick me and you’ll never love another!!” Gotta love a pooch with confidence.

18. Here’s Daisy Mae, a 6-year old Yorkshire Terrier. She recognizes that she’s a few years older than me, but I’ve never been one to eliminate an older woman. Her favorite pastime is chasing squirrels and she requested that I “throw her a bone.” Done my darling Daisy Mae. Bon appetit.

19. Then there’s Seneca – a Jack Russell terrier who describes herself as “a pro at napping” and “bad to the bone.” She also watches HGTV and the DIY Network all the time and has a strong sense of style so she offered to decorate the doghouse if we really hit it off. Last but not least she let this slip: “not to brag, but I hear all the time what a great kisser I am – from my parents, of course, I’m not one of THOSE girls.” Sold.

20. And next there’s Jasmine, a self proclaimed “Jack Russel Terrorist.” Gotta love a girl with spunk. She likes to cuddle, can get pretty hyper and her favorite color is pink. Cute, huh? Who’s jealous of this guy (points at self with paws)?

21. Meet Villanelle. She’s a miniature long-haired dachshund who loves to nap in sunbeams. She also loves road trips and sneaking french fries just like yours truly. She also has 3.5″ legs, which sound pretty sexy to me. Plus she promises to compose an original poem for me. I deserve a poem don’t you think?

22. Next there’s Coco. Ever since her mom found my parents’ website she’s been smitten with my big brown eyes and large ears (you know what they say about men with big ears…). She loves when I eat french fries and try to take off my clothes (this video got her “all hot and bothered”). She considers herself the Kim Kardashian of pugs- full-figured and proud of it!

23. And then there’s Aubie. She wants to be the cheese to my burger and is a full bodied beagle (hubba hubba). Her parents call her the $3000 dog because they left her with a friend while they were out of town and she tore up the carpeting, molding, furniture, etc to the tune of 3K. Gotta love a dog who’s that thorough and hardworking (talk about dedication). She also lives on 38 acres of land with a creek, so visits there would be pretty sweet…

24. Then there’s the second Lola of the competition (who am I to discriminate?). And she’s all the way from Nova Scotia! Her mom likes to sew little outfits for her and dress her up in them (she goes along with it to humor her). I must admit that dress is really doing it for me. It’s emphasizing all the right places. She also likes rolling around in hot clothes fresh from the dryer which is one of my favorite activites right after bug hunting. This might be love.

So there you have all of the lovely ladies who make my little walnut-sized heart go pitter patter. Any favorites out there that you guys want to cheer on? Any ideas for what my next big question should be for these ladies to further eliminate pups and get closer to finding my true soul mate? Do tell. And stay tuned for the next “episode” of the bachelor coming next week…

First (slightly photoshopped picture) found here. You know you like it.

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